Disclaimer: Read now, pass judgement later.
I invited her over for the evening because I liked her, I needed the company and I wanted to get laid if the opportunity presented itself.
I didn’t want to be presumptuous and ask that she spend the night. Surely she won’t spend the night at the house of a man she’s meeting for the first time.
She came over as promised and we had an awesome time getting to know each other. As the night progressed, I asked if we could cuddle. “Sure, why not!” she responded.
The close contact quickly escalated into kissing, touching and rubbing all over. She paused and told me she wanted to take a bath so I prepared one for her. She opened up her bag and I saw that she had packed some extra clothes. She said she forgot her toothbrush and asked if I had a spare one.
Shower, extra clothes, toothbrush? She is definitely spending the night and we’re getting some tonight! The night is about to get pretty interesting.
After her bath, she slid into a semi see-through and tight nightie. I noticed she had no bra and panties on. Junior was rock solid and itching to dive into some dark spaces.
We started making out again on the couch and this time, she was a little stiff when I touched her double lattes. “Okay, so what am I missing here?” I thought to myself.
I took her hand and led her to the bedroom. All my years of commencing the screwing process this way had socially conditioned me to believe that sex was going to happen. Some serious mind blowing sex was about to go down!
As I went for her dress, she asked me to stop because she was not ready to have sex just yet. Wait, what?
“What are you doing half naked and making out in my bed if you don’t want us to have sex?” I asked
I was pissed, confused, and junior was ready to strangle her. I heard her clearly when she said “stop” so I got off her immediately and moved to the corner of the bed.
I knew not to touch her again but I needed an explanation as to why she waited to say NO after hours of kissing, touching and climbing into my bed with me semi-nude. Junior is not a reasonable member and he was not in the mood for an explanation.
She argued that she asked me not to touch her double lattes earlier because she really did not want to have sex. In her worldview, having sex with a man the first day she meets him is not kosher.
Let me get her worldview straight. It’s not okay to have sex with a man you’re meeting for the first time but it’s perfectly acceptable to spend the same night (without been asked) with that man and engage in foreplay while half-naked on his bed? What the French?!
Humanly speaking, I felt deceived and led on by her. Her rationale ranged from wanting to wait for a few days to have sex with me to spending sexless nights with other men she wanted to date. She explained that she wanted to wait because she wanted a real relationship and I get that. What I did not get was her choice to spend the night at our first meet up.
She asked if she could spend the night in the guest room since it was very late. I refused and told her it will be best for her to leave. She kept imploring and trying to convince me to allow her to spend the night in the guest room. I wasn’t going to budge. I was not trying to be a meanie but she was not going to be in the same space with me after the stunt she just pulled.
A déjà vu moment hit me. A few years back, I consented to a woman spending the night in my spare bedroom after she said no to sex. She confessed months later that she locked the door, barricaded it and peed into a water bottle that night out of fear of me entering the room and trying again.
Not wanting a similar scenario, I politely asked her to leave. Begrudgingly, she packed up her stuff and I walked her out and got her a cab.
Did I make a mistake by asking her to leave my place at 2 am after what went down?
I consider myself a feminist. I have lend my voice to the fight for gender equality and I still do. Anyone who follows my blogs knows that I’m imperfect but I strive to be a better man and a better father to a daughter every day.
It didn’t take long for me to realize back in my college days that if a woman says no to sex, she means NO.
NO means NO; it’s that simple.
If you have a sexual resume which spans two decades as I do, you may agree with this deduction:
Most men are socially conditioned to believe that if a woman ends up on his bed naked or partially naked after heavy make out and foreplay, she is ready for sex.
That said, I am a strong believer in both parties seeking sexual consent and agreeing to have sex before the sliding begins. Due to the social conditioning of most men, a woman changing her mind in bed after heavy consensual kissing and touching throws most men into a tizzy.
I don’t believe I’m the only man who has had to face a similar situation where a full or partially naked woman on his bed says no to sex.
For me the decision which follows a woman changing her mind prior to penetration is simple; If she says NO or stop, I will not push forward even if she is totally naked and both our genitals are touching in a state of heightened arousal.
Here is the deal, women changing their minds after heavy foreplay happens more often than you think. It has happened to me a couple of times and I’m sure other men will share similar experiences.
I accept the concept of mutual consent. The problem is, not every man does. Saying no to sex while naked or partially naked on a man’s bed is one of the female behaviors which baffles most men, myself included. That said, we all have choices and a woman’s right to say no to sex must be respected and adhered to no matter the circumstances.
With the rape culture so prevalent, it’s important to note that a man is actively committing physical assault if he continues with the act after a woman says STOP or NO. In most cases, men do not realize they may be committing an assault on a woman until it’s too late.
I believe women play a key role in averting such situations because they come equipped with better self-control abilities. That said, make out, cuddle, crush each other with affection as much as you want. Just do not make it to my bed naked or half-naked and say no to sex. Junior is not a very understanding member of my body parts.
For the fellas, NO will always mean NO. It doesn’t matter how unfair we believe the situation is.
Most will find my decision to have her leave unacceptable however, very few will fault me for stopping when she said NO.
Source: Kwadjo Panyin